Mother's Day

And so it goes.  Our first ‘Mother’s Day’ without our mom being physically here with us. 

I miss her.  I know that she is in a better place – that goes without saying.  And I know that I prayed for her, and with her, about her being able to die and leave Alzheimer’s behind.  I miss her.

When she was here -

She could hold my hand.  And when she no longer could, I could hold hers.

She would listen to me.  And even though I don’t know what she heard, I could talk things out as I sat with her.  She knew all my secrets.  She didn’t judge, occasionally she would offer advice, sometimes it was funny, sometimes she ‘hit the nail on the head’.

When I would ask my mom ‘do you trust me?” – She always answered ‘yes’.  Always.

Her eyes would light up when she saw me.  And when her eyes could no longer see me.  My eyes saw her.

When I didn’t want her to see me cry, I would turn away from her and she would stroke my head.  She knew.

I think about my mom every day.  I don’t ‘talk” to her, as some people do.  I mean really, when dementia is in your family history, you don’t want to give people more reason to think you are crazy! 

She left so softly.  Gives me reason to think of her that way, and if I did ‘talk’ to her…….

Hey mom, I had such a great day today.  Everyone came over, well, except Ian as he had to go out of town.  Sitting around the kitchen table someone remarked that they missed him being with us – so it wasn’t just me that felt that way.  Laura and Ian are getting married at the end of August.  Laura is organizing and doing.  She is so creative.  Em and Tanya are in the wedding party, they make  an amazing team of beauties.  Nola is growing.  She has a gentle personality – so lovely.

I miss you.

in memory

Tell a story – tell a HAPPY story!

Our mom   Debbie called her: A force to be reckoned with. I called her: Spicy  

Mom loved ice cream, Lawrence Walmsley, cashews, Lawrence Walmsley, Boundary Bay, and … Lawrence Walmsley.

She also loved peanut butter cookies, free stuff, Magnum PI and Ella Fitzgerald. She loved swimming in the ocean, flowers, laughing, Sears Bargain Center, wishbones, growing plants from Avocado pits and growing garlic in her garden.

She loved Liquidation World, Fergus, and breakfast in bed (that dad brought her daily!)

She loved her 3 children and the people that they married. Nana loved her 9 grandchildren. She would have loved the partners that 3 of them have chosen.   Great Nana would have loved Rafeeki, and all of the great grandchildren that will follow.

Mom was a brilliant trip planner – and had everything organized and itemized right down to the last detail. – Even got good at putting Vodka into a water bottle to take aboard as carry-on.  She for sure was not going to pay what they were charging aboard the ship!

Mom and Dad even took Debbie and I on a cruise… okay, well actually they got us on to SEE the ship and we had to leave before it sailed… but in her mind I’m sure it counted!

Before cruising got into her system, there was Reno.  They drove, they flew, and they took the bus.  Mom loved Reno and the people they met.  They knew many of them by name, because mom took the time to learn their names.

Mom was a hard worker.  Many nights she would be found in the office, working till the wee hours.  No one could organize a beer taste test like our mom!  And that is not something that everyone can say about their mom!

When mom got an idea in her head – there was no going back.  She occasionally made Dad feel that he had a choice – but in reality…. .   I really don’t think he minded much.  She always had his best interests at heart… and really, who cares if in the end you have 10 Fig trees growing in your yard?

Mom and Dad would spend hours and hours each day, weeding, planting and admiring.  Her garden was her delight and something that she passed on to Debbie in abundance.

Mom’s last 5 years living in care at Delta View and Riverview have been a journey that we all wish she could have avoided.  But being that she was on this journey, it was our privilege to walk it with her; and at times FOR her. Her anguish was evident to all, as Dementia tormented her.  She had amazing doctors and care workers on her side though and every once in awhile a brief relief was found.  We called her doctors “the smart people”, we listened, we questioned and we implemented.  We did what she would have wanted us to do.

As anyone that has loved a person with dementia knows – it is a horrible disease.  As anyone that knew our mom would know: if you look, one can find humour in a great many situations. Case in point.

One day mom was really upset.  She was crying that she couldn’t find her mom. 

 Jump back a couple of days… while I was helping dad sort out his closet, I noticed 2 small brown boxes in the corner of the top shelf…  my “what is that” was soon followed by “ummm WHO is that?” 

So, my honest answer to mom on that day when she was so upset?  “Mom, I saw your mom just the other day. Tillie Field!  She is at the beach.  Debbie is taking care of her”.

Mom had immense relief and thankfulness.

I had a chuckle and thankfulness that Debbie really was taking care of that!

In the last 7 years, many of our conversations had sentences like:

Mom, how did you do it?  Dad just doesn’t listen to us!

You have TEN CHILDREN???  Seriously mom, could I have their numbers, because we should call them to help with this!

No, I am not your sister, I am your daughter – I just look old enough today to be your sister.

I love you       I love you      I love you

We are grateful to God that He gave us our mom for as long as He did.  God numbers our days, and He had a plan for our mom.  We are grateful.

How it all began

In January 2011, I participated in the Walk for Memories .  Just the fact that people were doing SOMETHING to raise money, awareness, emotional support in the fight against Alzheimer's was so very encouraging to me.  So I started thinking (a dangerous part time activity of mine), I could do something, couldn't I?  Something besides living this story... something that might make a small 'drop in the bucket' difference?
You see my mom, Audrey Walmsley was diagnosed with Alzheimers in February of 2007.  She has been living "in care" since July 2007.  I miss her.  Oh, I see her often, but she doesn't see me.  My sister and I have been running at the speed of light since this started.  Doctors, Physio, Psychiatrists, hospitals, ambulance rides... the list goes on and on.  At one point a Social Worker asked me if I was journalling all of this.  My reply to her was "no, don't have time as I'm too busy living this".  So, now is the right time.  Because I've decided to do something.
I have a goal.
I am knitting 25 scarves before the end of this year.
Blue scarves
blue is the colour that the Alzheimer Society uses  = Forget-Me-Not
I am knitting them - but my mom is 'helping'.  She will knit one row on each and every one of them.

And the best part?  At the end of the year I am going to 'sell' each one of them #1-#25.  How much? Each buyer will be asked to make a donation to the Alzeimer Society of BC  in the amount of $100 or more.  I will ensure that $2500+ makes it's way there.
So stay tuned.
25 scarves
25 posts
25 stories
Some will bother you, make you uncomfortable.  Some will scare you.  Some will make you cry. Some (most) will make you laugh.
'cause my momma is a 'spicy momma'!

Scarf #1

Scarf #1

Baby Wool.  Soft. Secure.  When I put the wool in my mom's hands. Give her the needles.  She instictively holds the needles and wraps the wool around her fingers like she always did.  I wish I was the wool.  I wish she knew me like she knows it.  Recognized me like she recognizes it.

Were we able to go back in time to talk about what this looks like today and to be able to ask her what to do. 

January 23 2007 at 12:30pm my mom had her first Doctor's appointment where the focus was on the possibility of Dementia.  We had 'known' for more than 4 years that this day would come.  She sat with my dad and I and answered questions from Dr. G..  all the while differing to us, glancing at us.. hoping that we could answer for her.  At the end of the hour he informed her (and us) that his diagnosis was "mild Alzheimer's Disease".  Bad.

Tears, yelling, she actually pulled some of her hair out.  As we drove home my dad asked me to stop so he could pick something up.  My mom and I sat in the car and cried.  Her biggest concerns?  #1 -"What will happen to your father? who will look after him?" and #2 - "I saw my mother go through this and I know how awful it is".  That day I made a promise to my mother.  I will look after dad. 

The next morning.  Dr. G had written "mild Alzheimer's Disease" on a piece of paper and had given it to mom.  She looked at that piece of paper that she had left on the table and said "Mild Alzheimer's Disease?  What's that about?"  no worries!  The piece of paper dissappeared and we didn't mention it again. 

If you were born in the 30's... if you don't acknowledge something.... it DOESN'T EXIST! 

Why Blog?

Why not just knit? Last month I found myself wandering the streets of Victoria (no jokes ok?! i KNEW where I was!) I had gone into a yarn store there just to see if I could pick up something different and fun in the way of blue yarn. There was the softest and prettiest wools that I had ever seen! I felt as if I was in a 'wool zone' :) There was a lovely cashmere, and when I enquired if they had it in any shades of blue - the lady replied that no, they didn't.... "why blue?" she asked "are you working on a specific thing?"... ummmm yes.

 "What is it?" now another customer was in on the discussion (it's Victoria people...  they are soooo friendly!)   I talked.  They listened.  They were moved.

"You should blog this - no really you NEED to blog this!"...  hmmmm   "You'll raise more $ in donations"... ok you got me. 

so, thankyou to the sales clerk who helped me pick out a perfect pattern

(she obviously thought I knew how to knit!) and cotton to make it up with.  this scarf will probably end up being #25 because it will take me until December to figure it out!
 Thankyou to her for going into their store room to find 'ends' of blue yarn 
This random collection of yarn will be put together into one scarf...

If you're in Victoria and want to see beautiful yarn check out Button & Needlework Boutique.  If you like this blog... you can thank them.  If you don't... you can blame them ;) !!

scarf #2

I'm not gonna lie.... sometimes it's hard to keep a straight face.. but she usually calls me out if she thinks that I am laughing at her.  She gave an 'oh my!' when I handed her this one... soooo soft, just makes you happy holding onto it!  There was a little stress for her when she first started to knit both at once,, and then again when she was thinking that the needles go end-to-end.  But after all that, she was a star!

away she goes! This day was a 'good day'..   so nice that we can say that!  For the last 8 months of 2010 we would call these days "as good as it gets" or more frequently a "less than horrible day".  Mom was on the 'wait list' to get into Riverview Hospital. Finally we got the call that there was a bed for her.  She arrived there December 22nd 2010.  It was NOT a "good day".  Debbie and I sat with her for the better part of 6 hours as she screamed, cried, (ok.. remember at the beginning of this blog I said that some things would be hard to hear!)  threw her food and hung onto the door jam with all her might.  I read a book.  Seriously! you have to identify when there are things that will make a difference and when you can do something as opposed to just 'being there'!  All in all though - it was good that it was not a good day.  They got to see her torment, her anguish.  Alzheimer's had introduced dark depression into my mother's head.  Dark.  Very Dark.  Why Riverview?  ECT.  yup that's right 'shock therapy'.  Magic.  Pure Magic!  By the second treatment... her face looked physically different!  brighter, lighter..  At this writing, she is still at Riverview.  Now? waiting to get back to Deltaview!  You see; if you have Alzheimers, you have to be very patient!
You may have heard that they are closing Riverview.  In my view, the best facility out there.  But the buildings are old, and the property is valuable.  The gardens there are amazing.  Acres and Acres.  If you really like it, you can live there soon! Because of course, housing is so much more important than health care.

The staff there are gifted.  Caring.  For the most part, sad that it is closing.  Mom's social worker there: compassionate.  Her GP: so moved when he saw the changes after treatment.  They are good.  For the time being they shall be nameless, but when mom gets outta there... there might be a few stories!  Just sayin...

Sister Scarf #3

Sister.   Deborah Roberta Walmsley (sorry about that middle name of yours!)  Deborah Roberta Meehan.    Daughter.  First Born of Audrey and Lawrie Walmsley.

This one is for you

For all of the trials (and laughter!) of this journey for mom, you have been at my side.  Sometimes you have been behind me, pushing me forward.  Lots of times you have been in front of me, leading the way.  I could not do what I do for mom without you.   Mom loves you. 



She loves the fact that you are a teacher, just like she was.  You have followed in her footsteps in the garden as well.  As Shirley Rush said.."It's just like the garden of Eden!"  Just like mom, you know the names of your plants (Their PLANT names.... I'm not implying that you actually 'name' your plants!... that would really be weird!) and like her, some of them carry memories....  the Astilbe that mom gave you...  The fact that you get so much enjoyment out of being in the dirt (mental image)... makes your mom smile.  The fact that you still tend her garden for her....  - that one is really hard.... it's like we're waiting for her to come back and say "WOW"!  But she is grateful to you for that.   So, when I handed her this scarf, and told her it was for you... guess what she said?   No, not "who?"!  she said "WOW"

Cool eh?!

so, Happy Birthday sister.  I love you.  more than you know.   Mom loves you, as much as you know.